The Secret Sauce for Building Confidence: Part 1
“What’s wrong with being confident?”
Uh huh; cue the Demi Lovato song. Confidence is like an elusive, shiny badge of honor we’re all somehow supposed to "just have." If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at those "5 Simple Steps to Unshakable Confidence" articles, then buckle up, because this episode is not that. In fact, we’re here to burn that listicle mentality to the ground.
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Basically, confidence isn’t something you “hack” — and if it were that simple, wouldn’t we all be strutting around like we own the place?
In this episode, I’m diving into what actually builds confidence: relationships. Real ones. Consistent, validating, non-judgy, "I-got-you" type of relationship. The kind that reminds you you’re worthy, even when you’re sporting your least flattering sweatpants.
Confidence isn’t flashy or loud. Sometimes, the most confident person in the room is the quiet one. (Let that one marinate.)
In this episode, I'm talking about:
The idea that confidence is not built from a simple checklist of steps but requires emotional vulnerability and risk-taking.
Why confidence is often misunderstood as an external display of charisma, but true confidence is an internal sense of self-assurance.
The misconception that people who "seem" confident are actually confident, as performative confidence can often mask low self-esteem.
How the foundation for building confidence is established through relationships with people who consistently offer validation, support, and reassurance.
The three key components of healthy self-esteem development: Mirroring, Idealizing, and Twinship.
How therapy works as a powerful tool for confidence-building because it offers consistent validation, support, and a safe space to process self-worth.
The difference between reliable sources of external validation (like close, consistent, and supportive people) and unreliable, unpredictable sources (like social media feedback).
How true confidence is rooted in relationships, not self-help tips or isolated strategies. Building confidence requires consistent, positive relational experiences that can later be internalized.
The importance of identifying the people in your life who provide consistent validation and the impact of enduring relationships with those who are overly critical or dismissive.
Why confidence isn't just about being assertive or "feeling good about yourself" — it's deeply connected to trusting yourself and believing in your own worth.
Oh and by the way, this is just part 1. Part 2 drops in January, so stay tuned!
Tweetable Quotes
"Confidence is complex, and it is impossible to give a list of things to do in order to build confidence." - Rachelle Heinemann
"It takes a lot of risk and a lot of emotional vulnerability to build confidence." - Rachelle Heinemann
"The confident people in the room might actually be the quietest people in the room." - Rachelle Heinemann
"Building confidence is not making a person narcissistic or outwardly charismatic." - Rachelle Heinemann
"The idea of building confidence ultimately stems from your capacity [or your privilege] of being in a relationship with people who consistently provide you with reassurance, validation, soothing, and support." - Rachelle Heinemann
Resources
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Related Episodes
Episode 146. Caring Less About What Others Think
Episode 110. Body Positivity is a Farce
Episode 65. 7 Tips for Positive Body Image
Episode 10. Social Media, Societal Pressure, Disordered Eating, and Poor Body Image
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Hey there! I’m Rachelle, the host of the Understanding Disordered Eating Podcast. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I work with clients to make sense of life’s messy emotional experiences.
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